Angry Letters: Dear ITV

Dear ITV,

I am writing in response to your general programme with specific regards to several ideas I have had for new shows. I do this out of love and will expect no fee should you decide to develop any of these projects.
I have noticed several trends in televised programmes since the advent of Channel 4’s excellent Come Dine With Me. After the subsequent success of programmes such as House Guest, Dinner Date, Secret Dealers and now Ten Mile Menu, I have started to devise a formula for immediate success and guaranteed entertainment. Please take a moment to consider the following:

Glam Race (For Life)

In which each member of the Saturdays is allocated a brand new Kia Picante in correlation with her individual personality. Frankie Sandford will have a pink one. The rest are up to you. The girls must then race around a different city each week, visiting children with cancer and singing to them. The girls will score points based on any signs of physical improvement as a result of the visits.

Presenter: Eamon Holmes

Christine’s Cheese Challenge

In which Christine Hamilton must not only master the art of cheese making but produce cheese so appetising that she can break the will of hardened vegans. As an added twist, Christine Hamilton will be on fire.

Presenters: And & Dec

The Great North/South Chef Battle or Banger & Mash

In which celebrity chefs from both the North and South of England must source organic produce which they will then have to sell to the public in order to secure a budget for the final stage of the competition. They will then have the chance to spend their earning on firearms, which they will use in a genuine shoot-out.

Presenter: Allison Hammond (as an impartial midlander)

Loose Women Extreme

In which the Loose Women are forced to banter in the nude. And on cocaine. And on fire.

Presenter: Joe Swash with a hard-on

Stools for Fools

In which Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley are sent on a mission around the nation, visiting various toilets and trying to deduce the identity of mystery celebrities based on the consistency of their bowel motions.

Presenter: Holly Willoughby

Terror or Turban-Wearer

In which members of the public must identify genuine terrorists from a line-up of ethnically dressed individuals.

Popstar to Firestar

In which popstars are on fire.

Presenter: Fearne Britton

Cops on Fire

In which policemen are on fire.

Presenter: Kate Garraway

Please, sir, I’m not a racist

In which Jo O’Meara, Robert Kilroy Silk and that woman Gordon Brown called a bigot must compete against one another by working a brothel allocated especially for the sexual requirements of asylum seekers

Presenter: Sherrie Hewson